Boundaries, Body Language, and Finding Your Voice
When I first started teaching singing, I quickly realized that many people struggled not just with hitting the right notes but with something deeper—standing in front of a room and owning their space. They were hyper-aware of people looking at them, afraid of judgment, and sometimes completely frozen by self-doubt.
I used to tell my students, “For the next few minutes, you’re the boss of this room. You’re in charge.” But for some, even that idea was overwhelming. I remember one particularly shy client who wouldn’t even lift her eyes to acknowledge the people listening to her.
So, I gave her an unusual challenge: “Look around the room and give each person a little bit of a dirty look.” Not an actual glare—just a squint, a tiny moment of eye contact that said, I see you, and I’m not taking any nonsense. She laughed at the absurdity of it, but as she tried it, something shifted. She started standing taller, taking up more space, and suddenly, she was in her power.
Boundaries Aren’t Just Words—They’re Energy
That moment helped me realize something: many of us struggle with boundaries because we don’t express them physically or vocally. People aren’t always aware they’re crossing a line, because we’re not signaling it clearly.
I’ve been reading Cues by Vanessa Van Edwards, which decodes the way body language, gestures, and voice signals shape our interactions. It’s fascinating because I realized I’d been using these cues instinctively without even knowing it.
For example:
If someone is saying something unkind or trying to take advantage of you, simply turning away can signal discomfort.
A short vocal cue like “Uh” or “Nah” can subtly show you’re not on board with what’s happening.
Using a firmer tone instead of soft, apologetic phrasing can help communicate that you mean what you say.
Sometimes, words fail us in difficult moments. It’s hard to look someone in the eye and say, “You’ve crossed a boundary with me.” But it can be easier to start with something simple like:
“That’s not okay with me.”
“I’m uncomfortable with this.”
“I need a minute to think about that.”
Learning to Speak Up—The Hard Way
I grew up in a family where people didn’t verbalize their unhappiness. If someone was upset, they might slam a door or go silent, but they wouldn’t say, “I don’t like that” or “That hurt my feelings.”
It wasn’t until I lived with my friend Caroline that I realized there was another way. One day, she said to me, “That hurt my feelings.”
I remember feeling two things at once:
Shock—I had no idea you could just… say that to someone.
Guilt—I hadn’t meant to hurt her, and now I felt bad.
But instead of tension building up, the moment passed quickly. We talked, we understood each other, and we moved on. That one sentence opened my mind to the possibility that uncomfortable situations don’t have to be battles—they can be conversations.
Speaking Up with Compassion
Now, after years of teaching and mentoring people, I’ve helped many clients navigate these same challenges. I’ve also faced plenty of my own—sometimes handling them well, and sometimes… not so well.
What I try to remember is that most people don’t mean harm. They might be stressed, triggered, or simply unaware of how their words or actions are affecting me. If someone reacts badly or seems angry, I’ve learned to use my words instead of shutting down or getting defensive.
Some phrases that help:
“I feel like you’re really upset, and I don’t know what to say.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“What can we do to figure this out?”
These simple statements open the door for clarity and understanding. They take the pressure off needing to have the “perfect” response and allow both people to feel heard.
Boundaries Are a Skill—And You Can Learn Them
Just like singing, setting boundaries takes practice. It starts with small shifts—holding eye contact, using firmer vocal cues, standing tall. Over time, these small adjustments help you show up with more confidence, whether you’re on a stage, in a meeting, or having a difficult conversation.
If you’re struggling with boundaries—whether in your work, relationships, or self-expression—know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. And I’d love to support you in finding your voice, standing in your power, and communicating with confidence.
Does this resonate with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Drop a comment or reach out—I’m always happy to chat. 💛